Wednesday 14th April – Liberal Democrats announce their Manifesto.
Nick Clegg, warrior, surgeon, lover. Manifesto in hand enters the 24 hour brothel. “Your leader is here” he bellows as he is surrounded. His servants service him and he is buoyant, leaving with promises of tax breaks to the mistress in charge as he bounds off to meet his public. Most of the whores would pay Nick themselves for their time spent together; his charisma and enthusiasm for democracy thrive in the bedroom. Most of the time Mr Clegg travels with a member on his team specifically appointed to deal with his regular sexual demands but the latest member has quit citing shock and extreme tiredness after a particularly uneventful weekend in Preston left her contemplating everything. Until a suitable replacement is found Nick is forced to frequent these licentious establishments where he is indulged and rejuvenated.
His recklessness has alarmed Liberal Democrat Party campaign strategists who frequently have to try and clean up after him, calming shattered nerves and tired bodies with promises of jobs as civil servants after the election, and, in extreme cases, the Home Office. His extra-marital dalliances are said to be encouraged by his wife Miriam. She is believed to have told one insider “It never goes down and I can’t keep up! I’m grateful to these women; it’s nice to have some time to myself now. I can only do so much…I caught him wanking on the dog the other day. I think he wants to fuck it.”
Clegg’s condition is thought to be psychological; an internal reaction to anger stimulates feelings of sexual arousal, these increase the more he is frustrated with his inability to ignore them until his anger recedes completely and he is overcome by uncontrollable lust. Sources close to the Liberal Democrats have admitted that they are concerned about Mr Clegg’s ability to withstand the physical demands of the campaign as well as his constant lovemaking but are resigned to working around his condition. “The lack of sleep is a worry but he’s holding up well. You have to take your hat off to him I suppose. We can all understand the appeal.”
The Liberal Democrat leader’s sexual appeal is believed to be widely under-reported. A simple test showing women of all ages a picture of Mr Clegg revealed that a frightening 90% of all women surveyed would consider taking him home without hesitation even if they just saw him from a distance, many openly fantasising about undoing his tie before entering a trance-like daydream. 76% of married women upon being shown a photo of The Liberal Democrat leader asked to keep it. Nick Clegg it seems has an overwhelming effect on some; moderators of parenting website mumsnet have declared frustration at having to constantly delete posts about Clegg’s sexual prowess: “It’s every two minutes, we’ve had to take on new staff since the election has been announced.” A conflict of interests is common, one moderator who asked not to be named confided “Most of the time we’re in agreement but we know its not really appropriate, it’s a shame because it can help to know that there are others out there like you, but if we leave them up it just descends into open pornography.” As the Liberal Democrat election campaign gathers pace and Nick Clegg tours the country asking the great British public to open their hearts to him it seems more pertinent to ask whether the nation has the strength to resist falling into his big strong arms. You have been warned.